A letter to my grandmother

mood: heartsick

This is a letter to my grandmother... she is still alive but I need to write this. I should have have shown her some type of appreciation long before this night.

Holmone( grandma in Korean),

I hope that maybe someday I will read this to you. Or someone can read this so it makes sense... hopefully it is mom because she understands me...anyways... From the earliest I can remember you have been there.................wow........ this is really tough to write. You have had such a huge influence in making me who I am. My good heart definitely comes from you. You have always preached humility... I have tried my best to follow your advice. You have been misunderstood by many. Other than the random children you have adored from a distance or up close, people have looked at you many times as just another unhappy,old, stern faced asian woman. They have no god damn clue. I am having such a hard time writing this because of the guilt that is overwhelming my heart. I have gone weeks without seeing or calling you at times... what a horrible grandson. I would not be here without you. And this is how I repay you. I can see the dissapointment that fills your heart when I do finally see you, and it has been too long. I know I have hurt a heart that needs no more torture... I am truly sorry. You truly are one of the most important people to ever be in my life... and god forbid the day you leave me. I can't think of a pain that I have ever experienced up until now. I still remember the walks we would take at night when you were living in Newport... there was a tiny path that lead to a small bridge. We would stop on the bridge and look up at the stars. Then we would sing "San Toki" together. I miss those times. During the mornings that we shared together we would walk to the McDonalds hand and hand to get breakfast... one of my favorite childhood memories. You would always get an Egg McMuffin and I would get 2 hashbrowns... but my favorite thing about that particular McDonalds was that I felt like it was "our" McDonalds. I would sit with my 2 hashbrowns and eat... but this was no regular McDonalds. It had a huge plane that had a propeller in the front. I would sit on the stool and eat on the wings of the plane. To this day every time I get breakfast at any McDonalds, that memory comes back... I loved it.
I remember when you moved in to the other big room in the house when we were living in Orange Hills. I would come to your door and scream " Justin Wa-say-yo" which means Justin is here. You always seemed as if I had made your day when you saw my face. You would speak to me in Korean, Japanese, and even some Chinese... always trying to make me great. You would tell me stories about how proud my grandpa would be if he were alive, and stories about how great of a man he was. I know one thing... he was lucky to have you as his wife.
I will never forget the day we went for a walk along the grassy noll in that went along the back yard of our home in Orange Hills. It was a narrow cement walking path with a sloped gutter that ran the distance of it. I wanted to run... at a certain point I cut you off and in order to avoid falling on me and hurting me you stepped into the gutter and threw yourself into the side of the hill. You broke your foot that day. For me... so I wouldn't be hurt. You are always putting others ahead of you. The world would be a great place if every0ne did the same.
I also remember the chopsticks and wooden spoons that were used to brand my buns when I was bad. Only Kyle and I felt the wrath of your dicipline. Sean and Alexis were safe. I know you did what you did because I was a trouble maker at times and deserved it....Kyle too :) The one instance I will never forget is the time that you were spanking Kyle in the laundry room when we were living in Las Vegas... but you were going a little nuts that day... or we were being pretty bad. Kyle was getting the spanking of his life. I remember yelling at you from the backyard through the window to the laundry room. I wanted you to stop. I had more to do with it that day than he did... he did not deserve it. I did. The moment you left the laundry room I ran to the garage and grabbed a screw driver to pry the screen off of the window and get him out of there. You came back and Kyle was gone... I had taken him and we went for a walk to try to find a place to stay. He was only in first grade at the time and I think I was in 6th. We really had no where to go... I just knew you were not going to be happy once we got back.
The thing about Vegas that I hated the most was when you left for Korea for I think 6 months. I remember crying at night thinking that you loved your family in Korea more than us, and that you were going to stay there forever. I would get to speak to you every couple of months briefly. All it did was hurt my heart knowing that someone else was getting to see my grandma...my Holmone.
The stories and pictures that you have shown me from your life are amazing. No one knows why you are the way you are. The things you have seen and your story should be made into a novel or a movie... I know that you and your mother didn't get along. I know that she beat you to the point where you were laying in a puddle of your own blood dying... and you were only 5. Your father came home before it was too late... I know about this. I know that you had to tend to grandpa for years while he laid in a bed paralyzed. Watching the love of your life slowly fade away. Not many know about the orphanage that you started up during the Korean war. You went from having 3 daughters to 300 children. You did that... you still to this day want to make you mark... you have already done it. The remaining children who have not passed still call you to this day thanking you for saving their lives. The Lepers that lived in the hills that you would hike to see for weeks at a time...people should know these things. You knew that they were considered outcasts and that they were up in the hills to die. You went and showed them the love that so called normal people experience. You are truly amazing. You brought your daughters to New York and lived in the Bronx. A single mother with 3 girls who doesn't speak a lick of English. You made it happen. You even got certified to use some type of typing machine while waitressing and cleaning homes. I will never forget the story about the man who tried to mug you outside of your apartment. He held a knife to you and wanted all of your valuables.You didn't have much to give him. What did you do?! You invited him in to your apartment to make him dinner and give him shelter. You did this because you knew that he was not out to get you... he was troubled and needed guidance. He stayed with you for 3 days. You gave him some money and sent him on his way... you gave him hope.
I promise you that your story will be heard. Not by some, but by many. I promise you that. I have heard many things about many saints. I have read up on some. I believe one has been overlooked.... You.... you have devoted yourself to the world and its people. You have led a life that has been devoted to God and God alone. Many people admire famous actors, athletes, or the rich. I place you above all of them. You have a huge place in my heart. This letter is the hardest letter I have ever written. I have had to take numerous breaks in order to blow my nose and wipe my tears. I hope you live to be 150...and then 200. I love you so much... to the point where you will never know. You are amazing, funny, caring, loving , and the strongest person I have ever seen. I am honored to be your grandson, your blood, your family.....


I love you Holmone.

The A.M.

Mornings=Chaos...laying next to her=enjoying each second, her skin touching mine...amazing. Leaving for work=dying a slow death...torture.

"Hi... is Kamran there?"

Wow.... you know what that is from... I couldn't believe my ears. Random girls showing up to Mom and Dad's house on consecutive nights. I knew things had changed. And you were using your middle name... like an alias.. fucking hilarious. The best part was when I responded to the semi-panda looking Asian girl " WHO!?" Let me know next time you mislead someone... wow.

You came about too soon 24 years ago on the 3rd of August. Big cheeks, and I am talking about your face, with a happy smile that could start fireworks. I HATED YOU! You stole my mother fucking thunder... I was spoiled on my own till that point. Had it good... I was on my way to eating peanut butter and caviar... lmfao. JK... to be honest. I could not wait for you to come. Yes... there was a jealous phase that I went through... it lasted 23 years and 364 days... and counting... lol. You were god damn adorable... of course according to Alexis you looked like Jerome. I didn't know what to think of you. You were the size of a squirrel and smelled like shit half of the time. Who knew you would become this amazing man that I look up to now. We have been through a hell of a lot together... How many road trips across the US have we driven... and surviving a crash at 85 miles and hour in the rain... you almost killed us... we may not be that religious but, thank GOD for us surviving that day.

THE BATTERY INCIDENT

Call it my point of ultimate stupidity... call it what you want. I call it the most vivid recollection of feeling while crying... I still to this day remember how hard I was crying... I actually wished that I was dead on that day. I felt horrible. You have no idea how bad I felt... hearing the things that I might have deprived you of in the future by my stupid act still to this day bring tears to my eyes... I will never forgive myself for what I did... I might have only been 7 or 8 but it was the most horrific thing that I didn't mean to happen... You were the center of attention constantly and I just wanted to be noticed. I did what I did thinking that I would be yelled at within a minute or two.... not 5 hours later. You kept crying and crying. By that point my stupid ass had forgotten what I did. Then mom started screaming and panicking... I couldn't even hide what I had done... I just burst into tears. You meant so much to me even then. We played every day when I would come home from school running around the back yard like rapid dogs... life was good. I will take this to my grave and never forgive myself... I find some relief in knowing that you are okay today.

THE POOL x2

"Where is Kyle?"
"Where is Kyle?"

I look to the right and see the screen door open.....
I feel this hopeless, heart sinking feeling take over me...
I sprint outside fearing for the worst....

The baby gate is not locked....
I slip on the wet ground sprinting around the corner...
My fears are true...

There you are floating face down....
Not moving...
In the pool....

I jump in fully clothed...
You had floated to the middle of the pool...
Keep in mind you were only 2.
I pulled you out, your face was blue.
I started patting your back and doing whatever I thought would help you
Fuck!!!
It took you a good 30 seconds to spit up the water and start breathing again...
You scared the life out of me...
I was hysterical... I thought I was going to lose my little guy.... wtf?!

And you did this to us twice... I found you both times. I know what it feels like to see your loved one dead in front of you... you did this. But luckily I found you both times.
Thanks for getting my clothes wet.

THE LACROSSE GAME

"Have you heard from Kyle?"
"No mom"...

Another where is Kyle moment. You left the night before. I had been out drinking with friends that night. A little hungover and crabby, I woke up to mom asking me these questions. She looked worried and somewhat destroyed at this point. I didn't know what was wrong. She then told me that you had left for a lacrosse game to be played at the Saint Paul campus of the U of M and never returned. I drove for countless hours around Saint Paul looking for your car. The police report had already been filed hours before this. At a certain point I head home. I was a fucking mess. I sat outside our garage in hopes of God answering my prayers, and that you would drive up and I would know that my little brother was not dead or murdered. I remember Scott walking across the street and patting me on the shoulder telling me it was going to be alright... and I just ignored him.

I was lost.

I felt like killing someone....

I felt like someone had taken the happiness out of my life.

The relief I felt when you finally called and said you stayed at Ryno's house was one that I can't describe.... Oh... maybe I can... I wanted to shove a horse cock up Ryan's ass and punch you in the face! The feeling that you experience when you think someone has been kidnapped or worse is indescribable. And once again you were okay.

These are just a couple of things we have been through together. I miss you so damn much. We have grown so close, and you have grown so much just as a person. I really do look up to you and admire you more than you will ever know. I may have at times tried to live my life through you. But it was not done because I didn't think I could do it myself. I just knew your potential even when you didn't. I am so fucking proud that I have such a good hearted, pure, unselfish, hard working, caring, understanding, intelligent, driven, level headed brother in my life. You mean the fucking world to me and I hope you realize that every morning when you wake up. You have overcome so much when others doubted you. Fuck them... this is your life... get yours! That is one of the things that is so special about you. You do what makes you happy, but aren't too proud to admit when you are wrong. You are truly years ahead of your peers in the game of becoming a complete man. You will make an excellent doctor, husband and father one day. The woman who lands you must have the winning numbers. I still to this day remember as we got older that you would wait eagerly for me to get home from elementary school... you adored me. And I would never let you come with me... I to this day remember the moment it hit me. I should have dragged you every where with me. Family is what is important. I did beat Brian's ass an punched Luis in the face when you and Jessica got into it. I also still fell destroyed that Luis taught you to ride a bike... not me. I know we are a lot alike in many ways... especially the way we care for each other. I just want you to know that I fucking love the hell out of you and only want you to be happy in your life. I support anything positive that you do and will do whatever I can for you. This last year has been rough and you have not let it derail you. I so proud to say you are my brother.


I love you and Happy Birthday.

TLC

Act 1... Darkness





I've lost it...

have you seen it?...

it's cold now...

i am lost...

where am I?...

how did I get here?...

is it too late?...

is it too soon?...

stop worrying...

soon there will be light...

or will there?...

no there will be...

but how do I know?...

I don't but it has to happen...

this isn't fair...

nothing is...



mood: helpless/confused





Act 2... Confusion



I am close...

but I don't know it yet...

I still think I am lost...

but am soon found...

but don't know...

I hear a sound...

it tells me you are near...

I refuse to believe it...

it can't be true...

I inch closer and closer...

I see the light...

I am no longer in the dark...



mood: curious





ACT 3... Intensity



I am so close...

I was wrong...

it is a flame...

I have been burnt when this close before...

what caused it to fade away?...

did I run from it before?...

or just bury it?...

the heat is unbearable...

why do I love the burn?...

it feels so good...

it feels like home...



mood: chaos



ACT 4...Realization



what have I done?!!!

why would I do such a thing?!!!

was I lost?!!!

or just kidnapped myself?!!!

I feel utterly terrible!!!

how can I feel alive without the heat?!!!



without the flame...



I thought it was lost for eternity...



my eyes are open...



my mind is open...



I have found the flame...



I vow to never put it out again...

I will let it burn...

I now know it needs to burn for life to feel real...

I have to fuel the fire at times...

sprinkle dirt on it at other times...

but never let it fade again...



what kind of life is a cold one... one with no warmth...no light...no flame... no love.



TLC...



Tender Loving Care...



True Love Connection...



T_____ L______ C______... you know who you are...



I wrote this for you....

you are my flame...

I will never put you out ever again...

your heat is what attracted me to you...

I made the mistake of not letting it burn...

I will always fuel your fire when you need me to...

help control the flame as well...

I will be your balance...

your wind...

your oxygen...

you are a flame...

one that has burned all the way to my soul...

that is your place...

my fire within...

you are my heat...

my reason...

what adds the color to my world...

I was wrong to extinguish you...

I will control the flood gates with your help this time...

I will not bury your fire...

we will burn together...

nothing will stop us...

I want your heat to remain...

and want you to embrace mine...

please put down the wall...

trust again...

completely...

I am here for you and you only...

we chose each other years ago...

I hope you believe in fate now...

don't avoid the signs...

they are real...



you will know soon enough...

I will put your heat to the test...

you will know...

the sun will set...

and as the heat sinks off into the horizon...

you will be calmed...

then you will have to choose...

remember what I am saying...

it must happen...

it will...



place down your wall and you will no longer be blinded by the past.....and the future will be an uncontrollable inferno.... let it be... let it burn.





mood: done







Explanation:



I wrote this for you because it is the truth. I never should have let myself detach from you and try to lie to myself and forget. It was an enormous mistake. That is why I had to write this. I know when you are in your phases where you try to distance yourself due to fear and confusion. Don't allow for this to happen any more. I am in your corner and will never leave it ever again. I am your number one supporter... I would do anything for you. I need for you to be you... that is what makes you the person I fell in love with... I made you lose that person... we both made each other lose... I think we should just let things ride at the crazy speed we both love... and fuel the fire till life itself takes it away... We are imperfect creatures in a perfectly crazy situation... this is what causes all of the external jealousy from all of the people and things that don't matter... I am back to the person you fell in love with... do not worry... I am just refined now. And remember what I told you to remember in the poem. It will all make sense and you will decide... it is just that easy. This is crazy...my love is kept alive by you... I fucking love you... you are what gives me a reason to wake up... accept it. It is real.... I god damn love you.... the choice is yours... and you will know when time comes and you will have to accept or reject it....

That Feeling

Beneath my callused heart you will find love.

I understand love...

If you lost the ability to speak, how would I ever know you loved me?

Love does not start once the overwhelming words "I Love You" are uttered.

Love starts the moment something inside you is triggered and grabs hold of you...

It starts the moment you feel "that feeling"...I hate the term "butterflies" so we will call it "that feeling".

Love is a snowball of experiences...

But it starts small with " that feeling".

Whether is is someones hand in yours, 

The way he or she smiles at you,

Or the way you laugh at the same stupid things...

This is love in its simples form. 

You start loving that person that moment...

You just won't say it till the experiences that love brings snowball enough and get to be too big, And then your love balloon bursts, 

And the words " I love you" come rolling out, 

With the hope that the awkward silence will be a short one,

And that the feeling is mutual.

But even if the words are exchanged, 

It still doesn't change the fact that in a weird way you have only been semi truthful,

Or partially lying up until that moment.

All of the "I like you a lot" moments were really "I love yous" in disguise.

You were just scared to be the first to say it.

It is a fear of the greatest gift,

And the most vulnerable state a person can be in.

Love is the best and worst thing in life.

People have died looking for it,

Died because of it,

Or died wondering why it never came their way.

It is a gamble...

It can make you feel the greatest you will ever feel,

Like a drug that you want at all times.

And just like a drug it can destroy you,

And leave you feeling like you can't complete a full breath...

Helpless and destroyed.

Don't get me wrong,

I am an addict...

I love love,

And will play it's game.

If you never play your hand,

You will never have a chance.

There is no greater gift that someone can give you.

That feeling of knowing that when your heart bleeds the one you are with is also bleeding...

That is something greater than any material thing that can be given.

Too many let go of that special feeling for other things in life,

When love is the realest thing you can have...

It is taken for granted too often.

There are too many moments of uncertainty brought on by many things that don't matter in the end, 

And that cloud our judgement and complicate love.

Don't let finances, friends, or family dictate your love...

 It is yours,

And no one besides the one you love can take that from you.

It finds you at the strangest moments, 

And starts with "that feeling"...

Not "butterflies"...

I hate that term.

We should all be lucky enough to experience "that feeling" even once...

And maybe have it turn into a lifelong adventure of moments filled with "that feeling".

I want that...

And I will die trying to find it. 

I love love!

I just hope it doesn't destroy me...

About Me Section... Part 1

I don't quite know where this is headed... I just know NyQuil kicks major buns!!! My mind is doing one of those" let's stay up all night like a coke head and think of a million different things" deals... Son of a prostitute with asthma!!! 

I am going to personally attack myself today... Lets strip all of the brand name bullshit off of me and get to the core... hopefully it isn't rotten ;)

I am a somewhat vein person... I love mirrors and the appearance of myself. Not always... but some of the time. I do occasionally catch myself smiling at myself, telling myself how good it is to be me :)

I am compulsive... I am a bargain shopper but overspend. I get a rush out of spending money in large amounts... maybe that is why I shy away from any type of gambling... Or it could have to do with my experiences growing up ( I did a majority of growing up in Vegas... My father would pick me up from school and let me run wild in the casino that he was an exec at... I witnessed many angry people losing their retirement and/or college savings for their kids to go to a great university... thank god for community college and financial aid) 

I would rather ignore someone completely than lie to them. Call it cowardly, but like I said, I am on personal attack mode right now. This problem has gotten me into many binds... it is one of my least favorite... Hurting people is a terrible business to be in. I may come off as an ass... but I really do care.

I fall for girls who are a little rough around the edges. I like a girl who is confident, very sexy, a little jealous,  can stand up on her own two and throw down, and who are a semi hard to tame. There is something truly sexy about that to me... sorry all you nice girls out there... I am not a girl next door kind of guy. I like a little work and a bit of a chase... what fun is a lay down any ways... I mean as in no fight... the other lay down.. not so bad...lol.

I tend to be easily distracted by new and interesting things... to the point where I lose focus of what really matters... actually... well... to others, and what the public has taught us matters. Things like work.... and doing all of the normal people things... I have ADD in life. All the way around! Either way, I am not good at staying focused at times... I am getting a lot better now. It is almost 2am and I have to be up at 630am to go to work... See, truly responsible. 

I am going to end up looking like a bushman, like one from the GOD's must be crazy, writing my blogs with a piece of chalk on the corner of Hennepin and 5th because I don't stay focused at times. So skinny that you can use me in anatomy class as a live model..."look class how you can see his heart beating through his back!"

I have a problem with holding things in for too long... It may come off as patient at times... this may be 50 percent true. But, I think that if it weren't for writing, and frequent trips to the gym, that I would have been in jail for running over each and every waste of a life that irritates me and gives me VD in my ears from all of the useless shit they have to say.

I am a violent drunk... I cannot judge how much I have had to drink at times and go beyond remembering... you know... Black Out! I have been told that I get into fights and run my mouth and am very mean to the point where I verbally piss on people in public. This is a terrible thing to hear... but it is me.

I forgive people over and over again in hopes that they will change. I inherited this defect from my father. He might as well have spoon fed me this trait... It has caused me much heart ache in my life...but it is me.

I am tired now... this NyQuil is beating my eyes up... I probably look like someone rubbed their unwashed, shit covered hands across my face and gave me pink eye! Either way... I cant think any more... I will attack myself on a different day. 

Captains Log...blah blah blah... still need to see that movie. Fuck you! So what it if I am a Trekkie... I hope that is spelled right... Time for bed... Bros before Ho's.... and Ya... 

NYQUIL!

The Admin

Wow... I guess I don't know where to start... How about a description. I am a senior consultant for a financial company. I have a big office with an "L" shaped desk... that is an extension of my penis, and makes me feel like the God damn president!... Kiss my ass... it beats a cubicle.  Outside of the double doors of my office sit two administrative assistants whose only jobs in life are to ask 4-5 basic pre-qualifying questions and to press the transfer button on the phone...oh and to occasionally make coffee... sounds simple right?! For one of them it is. For the other, it is like teaching an armless man how to jerk himself off! I have never come across someone who lacked the amount of common sense that this simple twit does. I have nothing against blondes, but she does the stereotype justice. The bleach or "sun in" must have shrunk her brain or killed off the "common sense" lobe. 

I am typically a patient person... But I actually think the world could use  1 more aerosol can to deplete the ozone layer, rather than have this waste of flesh and fresh air grazing the earth, and using up the natural resources that I could be using. 

Maybe one day she will realize that she is a fucking idiot and that it shouldn't take 90+ days to learn how to properly ask 5 basic questions, enter basic contact info, and transfer the call. The girl probably needs a diagram on how to wipe her ass in the proper direction... You wipe away from your Va J J you dumb bastardo!!!! We don't need you getting any Hoo Hoo infections... or maybe that isn't such a bad thing :) (praying to myself" please god... whomever you are... take the ability of this mental midget to reproduce away... one defective human is enough for us!" Amen... Allah... Buddah... whatever!")

It doesn't add up... she came from a bank where she had great numbers....(puzzled look) 

I have a story for you... I remember an instance when she first started... I should have known...

My manager and I invited some friends out to go and Salsa. My manager invited the fucktard since we had 5 people at the time and she would make an even 6. I know I called her a fucktard... she was still normal at that time... I didn't know she was a degenerate till this night. She agreed to come out and be my dancing partner... this made sense since we are both very tall and could move together easily. The freak didn't show up... she flaked so much she needed Selsun Blue. Her reason for her " no call, no show" was that she was sexually attracted to me, and that it would be like cheating on her boyfriend of 27 days. She said it wasn't right and stated to the both of us, and I quote " I am dating for marriage." 

Wow... It's not like I asked her to role play with me. " Hey you lobotomy patient, want to play Oval Office with me at my "L" shaped desk... you can be Monica and I can be Bill... don't worry, it's plush carpet!" I had to bring my desk up again... I love this big ass desk!

What an absolute waste of reproductive capabilities she is!!!

Boys and Girls...Boys and Catholic Priests....Ladies and Gentlemen,

The moral of the story is if you are such an inbred moron that the mere thought of figuring out how to properly use a condom baffles you, than you have no fucking business procreating. It only leads to us enlightened and educated folk to being pushed towards insanity and possibly plowing you with our motor vehicles. Or in my case blogging about the son of a bitch retard monster you created. 

I swear... her voice is as pleasant as listening to my own bowel movements... Oh!!!! LIGHTBULB!!!! I can debark her like the people do with dogs!!! 

Yay!!! Now I just need to find a metal rod to shove down her throat!!! Probably not the first time someone has tested her gag reflex!....

I am such an asshole.... but she deserved it... I feel better. Until next time "champagne wishes and caviar dreams!" I really don't know what the hell that has to do with anything... just felt like saying it ;)