Friday, August 14, 2009
The A.M.
Mornings=Chaos...laying next to her=enjoying each second, her skin touching mine...amazing. Leaving for work=dying a slow death...torture.
Monday, August 3, 2009
"Hi... is Kamran there?"
Wow.... you know what that is from... I couldn't believe my ears. Random girls showing up to Mom and Dad's house on consecutive nights. I knew things had changed. And you were using your middle name... like an alias.. fucking hilarious. The best part was when I responded to the semi-panda looking Asian girl " WHO!?" Let me know next time you mislead someone... wow.
You came about too soon 24 years ago on the 3rd of August. Big cheeks, and I am talking about your face, with a happy smile that could start fireworks. I HATED YOU! You stole my mother fucking thunder... I was spoiled on my own till that point. Had it good... I was on my way to eating peanut butter and caviar... lmfao. JK... to be honest. I could not wait for you to come. Yes... there was a jealous phase that I went through... it lasted 23 years and 364 days... and counting... lol. You were god damn adorable... of course according to Alexis you looked like Jerome. I didn't know what to think of you. You were the size of a squirrel and smelled like shit half of the time. Who knew you would become this amazing man that I look up to now. We have been through a hell of a lot together... How many road trips across the US have we driven... and surviving a crash at 85 miles and hour in the rain... you almost killed us... we may not be that religious but, thank GOD for us surviving that day.
THE BATTERY INCIDENT
Call it my point of ultimate stupidity... call it what you want. I call it the most vivid recollection of feeling while crying... I still to this day remember how hard I was crying... I actually wished that I was dead on that day. I felt horrible. You have no idea how bad I felt... hearing the things that I might have deprived you of in the future by my stupid act still to this day bring tears to my eyes... I will never forgive myself for what I did... I might have only been 7 or 8 but it was the most horrific thing that I didn't mean to happen... You were the center of attention constantly and I just wanted to be noticed. I did what I did thinking that I would be yelled at within a minute or two.... not 5 hours later. You kept crying and crying. By that point my stupid ass had forgotten what I did. Then mom started screaming and panicking... I couldn't even hide what I had done... I just burst into tears. You meant so much to me even then. We played every day when I would come home from school running around the back yard like rapid dogs... life was good. I will take this to my grave and never forgive myself... I find some relief in knowing that you are okay today.
THE POOL x2
"Where is Kyle?"
"Where is Kyle?"
I look to the right and see the screen door open.....
I feel this hopeless, heart sinking feeling take over me...
I sprint outside fearing for the worst....
The baby gate is not locked....
I slip on the wet ground sprinting around the corner...
My fears are true...
There you are floating face down....
Not moving...
In the pool....
I jump in fully clothed...
You had floated to the middle of the pool...
Keep in mind you were only 2.
I pulled you out, your face was blue.
I started patting your back and doing whatever I thought would help you
Fuck!!!
It took you a good 30 seconds to spit up the water and start breathing again...
You scared the life out of me...
I was hysterical... I thought I was going to lose my little guy.... wtf?!
And you did this to us twice... I found you both times. I know what it feels like to see your loved one dead in front of you... you did this. But luckily I found you both times.
Thanks for getting my clothes wet.
THE LACROSSE GAME
"Have you heard from Kyle?"
"No mom"...
Another where is Kyle moment. You left the night before. I had been out drinking with friends that night. A little hungover and crabby, I woke up to mom asking me these questions. She looked worried and somewhat destroyed at this point. I didn't know what was wrong. She then told me that you had left for a lacrosse game to be played at the Saint Paul campus of the U of M and never returned. I drove for countless hours around Saint Paul looking for your car. The police report had already been filed hours before this. At a certain point I head home. I was a fucking mess. I sat outside our garage in hopes of God answering my prayers, and that you would drive up and I would know that my little brother was not dead or murdered. I remember Scott walking across the street and patting me on the shoulder telling me it was going to be alright... and I just ignored him.
I was lost.
I felt like killing someone....
I felt like someone had taken the happiness out of my life.
The relief I felt when you finally called and said you stayed at Ryno's house was one that I can't describe.... Oh... maybe I can... I wanted to shove a horse cock up Ryan's ass and punch you in the face! The feeling that you experience when you think someone has been kidnapped or worse is indescribable. And once again you were okay.
These are just a couple of things we have been through together. I miss you so damn much. We have grown so close, and you have grown so much just as a person. I really do look up to you and admire you more than you will ever know. I may have at times tried to live my life through you. But it was not done because I didn't think I could do it myself. I just knew your potential even when you didn't. I am so fucking proud that I have such a good hearted, pure, unselfish, hard working, caring, understanding, intelligent, driven, level headed brother in my life. You mean the fucking world to me and I hope you realize that every morning when you wake up. You have overcome so much when others doubted you. Fuck them... this is your life... get yours! That is one of the things that is so special about you. You do what makes you happy, but aren't too proud to admit when you are wrong. You are truly years ahead of your peers in the game of becoming a complete man. You will make an excellent doctor, husband and father one day. The woman who lands you must have the winning numbers. I still to this day remember as we got older that you would wait eagerly for me to get home from elementary school... you adored me. And I would never let you come with me... I to this day remember the moment it hit me. I should have dragged you every where with me. Family is what is important. I did beat Brian's ass an punched Luis in the face when you and Jessica got into it. I also still fell destroyed that Luis taught you to ride a bike... not me. I know we are a lot alike in many ways... especially the way we care for each other. I just want you to know that I fucking love the hell out of you and only want you to be happy in your life. I support anything positive that you do and will do whatever I can for you. This last year has been rough and you have not let it derail you. I so proud to say you are my brother.
I love you and Happy Birthday.
You came about too soon 24 years ago on the 3rd of August. Big cheeks, and I am talking about your face, with a happy smile that could start fireworks. I HATED YOU! You stole my mother fucking thunder... I was spoiled on my own till that point. Had it good... I was on my way to eating peanut butter and caviar... lmfao. JK... to be honest. I could not wait for you to come. Yes... there was a jealous phase that I went through... it lasted 23 years and 364 days... and counting... lol. You were god damn adorable... of course according to Alexis you looked like Jerome. I didn't know what to think of you. You were the size of a squirrel and smelled like shit half of the time. Who knew you would become this amazing man that I look up to now. We have been through a hell of a lot together... How many road trips across the US have we driven... and surviving a crash at 85 miles and hour in the rain... you almost killed us... we may not be that religious but, thank GOD for us surviving that day.
THE BATTERY INCIDENT
Call it my point of ultimate stupidity... call it what you want. I call it the most vivid recollection of feeling while crying... I still to this day remember how hard I was crying... I actually wished that I was dead on that day. I felt horrible. You have no idea how bad I felt... hearing the things that I might have deprived you of in the future by my stupid act still to this day bring tears to my eyes... I will never forgive myself for what I did... I might have only been 7 or 8 but it was the most horrific thing that I didn't mean to happen... You were the center of attention constantly and I just wanted to be noticed. I did what I did thinking that I would be yelled at within a minute or two.... not 5 hours later. You kept crying and crying. By that point my stupid ass had forgotten what I did. Then mom started screaming and panicking... I couldn't even hide what I had done... I just burst into tears. You meant so much to me even then. We played every day when I would come home from school running around the back yard like rapid dogs... life was good. I will take this to my grave and never forgive myself... I find some relief in knowing that you are okay today.
THE POOL x2
"Where is Kyle?"
"Where is Kyle?"
I look to the right and see the screen door open.....
I feel this hopeless, heart sinking feeling take over me...
I sprint outside fearing for the worst....
The baby gate is not locked....
I slip on the wet ground sprinting around the corner...
My fears are true...
There you are floating face down....
Not moving...
In the pool....
I jump in fully clothed...
You had floated to the middle of the pool...
Keep in mind you were only 2.
I pulled you out, your face was blue.
I started patting your back and doing whatever I thought would help you
Fuck!!!
It took you a good 30 seconds to spit up the water and start breathing again...
You scared the life out of me...
I was hysterical... I thought I was going to lose my little guy.... wtf?!
And you did this to us twice... I found you both times. I know what it feels like to see your loved one dead in front of you... you did this. But luckily I found you both times.
Thanks for getting my clothes wet.
THE LACROSSE GAME
"Have you heard from Kyle?"
"No mom"...
Another where is Kyle moment. You left the night before. I had been out drinking with friends that night. A little hungover and crabby, I woke up to mom asking me these questions. She looked worried and somewhat destroyed at this point. I didn't know what was wrong. She then told me that you had left for a lacrosse game to be played at the Saint Paul campus of the U of M and never returned. I drove for countless hours around Saint Paul looking for your car. The police report had already been filed hours before this. At a certain point I head home. I was a fucking mess. I sat outside our garage in hopes of God answering my prayers, and that you would drive up and I would know that my little brother was not dead or murdered. I remember Scott walking across the street and patting me on the shoulder telling me it was going to be alright... and I just ignored him.
I was lost.
I felt like killing someone....
I felt like someone had taken the happiness out of my life.
The relief I felt when you finally called and said you stayed at Ryno's house was one that I can't describe.... Oh... maybe I can... I wanted to shove a horse cock up Ryan's ass and punch you in the face! The feeling that you experience when you think someone has been kidnapped or worse is indescribable. And once again you were okay.
These are just a couple of things we have been through together. I miss you so damn much. We have grown so close, and you have grown so much just as a person. I really do look up to you and admire you more than you will ever know. I may have at times tried to live my life through you. But it was not done because I didn't think I could do it myself. I just knew your potential even when you didn't. I am so fucking proud that I have such a good hearted, pure, unselfish, hard working, caring, understanding, intelligent, driven, level headed brother in my life. You mean the fucking world to me and I hope you realize that every morning when you wake up. You have overcome so much when others doubted you. Fuck them... this is your life... get yours! That is one of the things that is so special about you. You do what makes you happy, but aren't too proud to admit when you are wrong. You are truly years ahead of your peers in the game of becoming a complete man. You will make an excellent doctor, husband and father one day. The woman who lands you must have the winning numbers. I still to this day remember as we got older that you would wait eagerly for me to get home from elementary school... you adored me. And I would never let you come with me... I to this day remember the moment it hit me. I should have dragged you every where with me. Family is what is important. I did beat Brian's ass an punched Luis in the face when you and Jessica got into it. I also still fell destroyed that Luis taught you to ride a bike... not me. I know we are a lot alike in many ways... especially the way we care for each other. I just want you to know that I fucking love the hell out of you and only want you to be happy in your life. I support anything positive that you do and will do whatever I can for you. This last year has been rough and you have not let it derail you. I so proud to say you are my brother.
I love you and Happy Birthday.
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