That Feeling

Beneath my callused heart you will find love.

I understand love...

If you lost the ability to speak, how would I ever know you loved me?

Love does not start once the overwhelming words "I Love You" are uttered.

Love starts the moment something inside you is triggered and grabs hold of you...

It starts the moment you feel "that feeling"...I hate the term "butterflies" so we will call it "that feeling".

Love is a snowball of experiences...

But it starts small with " that feeling".

Whether is is someones hand in yours, 

The way he or she smiles at you,

Or the way you laugh at the same stupid things...

This is love in its simples form. 

You start loving that person that moment...

You just won't say it till the experiences that love brings snowball enough and get to be too big, And then your love balloon bursts, 

And the words " I love you" come rolling out, 

With the hope that the awkward silence will be a short one,

And that the feeling is mutual.

But even if the words are exchanged, 

It still doesn't change the fact that in a weird way you have only been semi truthful,

Or partially lying up until that moment.

All of the "I like you a lot" moments were really "I love yous" in disguise.

You were just scared to be the first to say it.

It is a fear of the greatest gift,

And the most vulnerable state a person can be in.

Love is the best and worst thing in life.

People have died looking for it,

Died because of it,

Or died wondering why it never came their way.

It is a gamble...

It can make you feel the greatest you will ever feel,

Like a drug that you want at all times.

And just like a drug it can destroy you,

And leave you feeling like you can't complete a full breath...

Helpless and destroyed.

Don't get me wrong,

I am an addict...

I love love,

And will play it's game.

If you never play your hand,

You will never have a chance.

There is no greater gift that someone can give you.

That feeling of knowing that when your heart bleeds the one you are with is also bleeding...

That is something greater than any material thing that can be given.

Too many let go of that special feeling for other things in life,

When love is the realest thing you can have...

It is taken for granted too often.

There are too many moments of uncertainty brought on by many things that don't matter in the end, 

And that cloud our judgement and complicate love.

Don't let finances, friends, or family dictate your love...

 It is yours,

And no one besides the one you love can take that from you.

It finds you at the strangest moments, 

And starts with "that feeling"...

Not "butterflies"...

I hate that term.

We should all be lucky enough to experience "that feeling" even once...

And maybe have it turn into a lifelong adventure of moments filled with "that feeling".

I want that...

And I will die trying to find it. 

I love love!

I just hope it doesn't destroy me...

About Me Section... Part 1

I don't quite know where this is headed... I just know NyQuil kicks major buns!!! My mind is doing one of those" let's stay up all night like a coke head and think of a million different things" deals... Son of a prostitute with asthma!!! 

I am going to personally attack myself today... Lets strip all of the brand name bullshit off of me and get to the core... hopefully it isn't rotten ;)

I am a somewhat vein person... I love mirrors and the appearance of myself. Not always... but some of the time. I do occasionally catch myself smiling at myself, telling myself how good it is to be me :)

I am compulsive... I am a bargain shopper but overspend. I get a rush out of spending money in large amounts... maybe that is why I shy away from any type of gambling... Or it could have to do with my experiences growing up ( I did a majority of growing up in Vegas... My father would pick me up from school and let me run wild in the casino that he was an exec at... I witnessed many angry people losing their retirement and/or college savings for their kids to go to a great university... thank god for community college and financial aid) 

I would rather ignore someone completely than lie to them. Call it cowardly, but like I said, I am on personal attack mode right now. This problem has gotten me into many binds... it is one of my least favorite... Hurting people is a terrible business to be in. I may come off as an ass... but I really do care.

I fall for girls who are a little rough around the edges. I like a girl who is confident, very sexy, a little jealous,  can stand up on her own two and throw down, and who are a semi hard to tame. There is something truly sexy about that to me... sorry all you nice girls out there... I am not a girl next door kind of guy. I like a little work and a bit of a chase... what fun is a lay down any ways... I mean as in no fight... the other lay down.. not so bad...lol.

I tend to be easily distracted by new and interesting things... to the point where I lose focus of what really matters... actually... well... to others, and what the public has taught us matters. Things like work.... and doing all of the normal people things... I have ADD in life. All the way around! Either way, I am not good at staying focused at times... I am getting a lot better now. It is almost 2am and I have to be up at 630am to go to work... See, truly responsible. 

I am going to end up looking like a bushman, like one from the GOD's must be crazy, writing my blogs with a piece of chalk on the corner of Hennepin and 5th because I don't stay focused at times. So skinny that you can use me in anatomy class as a live model..."look class how you can see his heart beating through his back!"

I have a problem with holding things in for too long... It may come off as patient at times... this may be 50 percent true. But, I think that if it weren't for writing, and frequent trips to the gym, that I would have been in jail for running over each and every waste of a life that irritates me and gives me VD in my ears from all of the useless shit they have to say.

I am a violent drunk... I cannot judge how much I have had to drink at times and go beyond remembering... you know... Black Out! I have been told that I get into fights and run my mouth and am very mean to the point where I verbally piss on people in public. This is a terrible thing to hear... but it is me.

I forgive people over and over again in hopes that they will change. I inherited this defect from my father. He might as well have spoon fed me this trait... It has caused me much heart ache in my life...but it is me.

I am tired now... this NyQuil is beating my eyes up... I probably look like someone rubbed their unwashed, shit covered hands across my face and gave me pink eye! Either way... I cant think any more... I will attack myself on a different day. 

Captains Log...blah blah blah... still need to see that movie. Fuck you! So what it if I am a Trekkie... I hope that is spelled right... Time for bed... Bros before Ho's.... and Ya... 

NYQUIL!

The Admin

Wow... I guess I don't know where to start... How about a description. I am a senior consultant for a financial company. I have a big office with an "L" shaped desk... that is an extension of my penis, and makes me feel like the God damn president!... Kiss my ass... it beats a cubicle.  Outside of the double doors of my office sit two administrative assistants whose only jobs in life are to ask 4-5 basic pre-qualifying questions and to press the transfer button on the phone...oh and to occasionally make coffee... sounds simple right?! For one of them it is. For the other, it is like teaching an armless man how to jerk himself off! I have never come across someone who lacked the amount of common sense that this simple twit does. I have nothing against blondes, but she does the stereotype justice. The bleach or "sun in" must have shrunk her brain or killed off the "common sense" lobe. 

I am typically a patient person... But I actually think the world could use  1 more aerosol can to deplete the ozone layer, rather than have this waste of flesh and fresh air grazing the earth, and using up the natural resources that I could be using. 

Maybe one day she will realize that she is a fucking idiot and that it shouldn't take 90+ days to learn how to properly ask 5 basic questions, enter basic contact info, and transfer the call. The girl probably needs a diagram on how to wipe her ass in the proper direction... You wipe away from your Va J J you dumb bastardo!!!! We don't need you getting any Hoo Hoo infections... or maybe that isn't such a bad thing :) (praying to myself" please god... whomever you are... take the ability of this mental midget to reproduce away... one defective human is enough for us!" Amen... Allah... Buddah... whatever!")

It doesn't add up... she came from a bank where she had great numbers....(puzzled look) 

I have a story for you... I remember an instance when she first started... I should have known...

My manager and I invited some friends out to go and Salsa. My manager invited the fucktard since we had 5 people at the time and she would make an even 6. I know I called her a fucktard... she was still normal at that time... I didn't know she was a degenerate till this night. She agreed to come out and be my dancing partner... this made sense since we are both very tall and could move together easily. The freak didn't show up... she flaked so much she needed Selsun Blue. Her reason for her " no call, no show" was that she was sexually attracted to me, and that it would be like cheating on her boyfriend of 27 days. She said it wasn't right and stated to the both of us, and I quote " I am dating for marriage." 

Wow... It's not like I asked her to role play with me. " Hey you lobotomy patient, want to play Oval Office with me at my "L" shaped desk... you can be Monica and I can be Bill... don't worry, it's plush carpet!" I had to bring my desk up again... I love this big ass desk!

What an absolute waste of reproductive capabilities she is!!!

Boys and Girls...Boys and Catholic Priests....Ladies and Gentlemen,

The moral of the story is if you are such an inbred moron that the mere thought of figuring out how to properly use a condom baffles you, than you have no fucking business procreating. It only leads to us enlightened and educated folk to being pushed towards insanity and possibly plowing you with our motor vehicles. Or in my case blogging about the son of a bitch retard monster you created. 

I swear... her voice is as pleasant as listening to my own bowel movements... Oh!!!! LIGHTBULB!!!! I can debark her like the people do with dogs!!! 

Yay!!! Now I just need to find a metal rod to shove down her throat!!! Probably not the first time someone has tested her gag reflex!....

I am such an asshole.... but she deserved it... I feel better. Until next time "champagne wishes and caviar dreams!" I really don't know what the hell that has to do with anything... just felt like saying it ;)