A letter to my grandmother

mood: heartsick

This is a letter to my grandmother... she is still alive but I need to write this. I should have have shown her some type of appreciation long before this night.

Holmone( grandma in Korean),

I hope that maybe someday I will read this to you. Or someone can read this so it makes sense... hopefully it is mom because she understands me...anyways... From the earliest I can remember you have been there.................wow........ this is really tough to write. You have had such a huge influence in making me who I am. My good heart definitely comes from you. You have always preached humility... I have tried my best to follow your advice. You have been misunderstood by many. Other than the random children you have adored from a distance or up close, people have looked at you many times as just another unhappy,old, stern faced asian woman. They have no god damn clue. I am having such a hard time writing this because of the guilt that is overwhelming my heart. I have gone weeks without seeing or calling you at times... what a horrible grandson. I would not be here without you. And this is how I repay you. I can see the dissapointment that fills your heart when I do finally see you, and it has been too long. I know I have hurt a heart that needs no more torture... I am truly sorry. You truly are one of the most important people to ever be in my life... and god forbid the day you leave me. I can't think of a pain that I have ever experienced up until now. I still remember the walks we would take at night when you were living in Newport... there was a tiny path that lead to a small bridge. We would stop on the bridge and look up at the stars. Then we would sing "San Toki" together. I miss those times. During the mornings that we shared together we would walk to the McDonalds hand and hand to get breakfast... one of my favorite childhood memories. You would always get an Egg McMuffin and I would get 2 hashbrowns... but my favorite thing about that particular McDonalds was that I felt like it was "our" McDonalds. I would sit with my 2 hashbrowns and eat... but this was no regular McDonalds. It had a huge plane that had a propeller in the front. I would sit on the stool and eat on the wings of the plane. To this day every time I get breakfast at any McDonalds, that memory comes back... I loved it.
I remember when you moved in to the other big room in the house when we were living in Orange Hills. I would come to your door and scream " Justin Wa-say-yo" which means Justin is here. You always seemed as if I had made your day when you saw my face. You would speak to me in Korean, Japanese, and even some Chinese... always trying to make me great. You would tell me stories about how proud my grandpa would be if he were alive, and stories about how great of a man he was. I know one thing... he was lucky to have you as his wife.
I will never forget the day we went for a walk along the grassy noll in that went along the back yard of our home in Orange Hills. It was a narrow cement walking path with a sloped gutter that ran the distance of it. I wanted to run... at a certain point I cut you off and in order to avoid falling on me and hurting me you stepped into the gutter and threw yourself into the side of the hill. You broke your foot that day. For me... so I wouldn't be hurt. You are always putting others ahead of you. The world would be a great place if every0ne did the same.
I also remember the chopsticks and wooden spoons that were used to brand my buns when I was bad. Only Kyle and I felt the wrath of your dicipline. Sean and Alexis were safe. I know you did what you did because I was a trouble maker at times and deserved it....Kyle too :) The one instance I will never forget is the time that you were spanking Kyle in the laundry room when we were living in Las Vegas... but you were going a little nuts that day... or we were being pretty bad. Kyle was getting the spanking of his life. I remember yelling at you from the backyard through the window to the laundry room. I wanted you to stop. I had more to do with it that day than he did... he did not deserve it. I did. The moment you left the laundry room I ran to the garage and grabbed a screw driver to pry the screen off of the window and get him out of there. You came back and Kyle was gone... I had taken him and we went for a walk to try to find a place to stay. He was only in first grade at the time and I think I was in 6th. We really had no where to go... I just knew you were not going to be happy once we got back.
The thing about Vegas that I hated the most was when you left for Korea for I think 6 months. I remember crying at night thinking that you loved your family in Korea more than us, and that you were going to stay there forever. I would get to speak to you every couple of months briefly. All it did was hurt my heart knowing that someone else was getting to see my grandma...my Holmone.
The stories and pictures that you have shown me from your life are amazing. No one knows why you are the way you are. The things you have seen and your story should be made into a novel or a movie... I know that you and your mother didn't get along. I know that she beat you to the point where you were laying in a puddle of your own blood dying... and you were only 5. Your father came home before it was too late... I know about this. I know that you had to tend to grandpa for years while he laid in a bed paralyzed. Watching the love of your life slowly fade away. Not many know about the orphanage that you started up during the Korean war. You went from having 3 daughters to 300 children. You did that... you still to this day want to make you mark... you have already done it. The remaining children who have not passed still call you to this day thanking you for saving their lives. The Lepers that lived in the hills that you would hike to see for weeks at a time...people should know these things. You knew that they were considered outcasts and that they were up in the hills to die. You went and showed them the love that so called normal people experience. You are truly amazing. You brought your daughters to New York and lived in the Bronx. A single mother with 3 girls who doesn't speak a lick of English. You made it happen. You even got certified to use some type of typing machine while waitressing and cleaning homes. I will never forget the story about the man who tried to mug you outside of your apartment. He held a knife to you and wanted all of your valuables.You didn't have much to give him. What did you do?! You invited him in to your apartment to make him dinner and give him shelter. You did this because you knew that he was not out to get you... he was troubled and needed guidance. He stayed with you for 3 days. You gave him some money and sent him on his way... you gave him hope.
I promise you that your story will be heard. Not by some, but by many. I promise you that. I have heard many things about many saints. I have read up on some. I believe one has been overlooked.... You.... you have devoted yourself to the world and its people. You have led a life that has been devoted to God and God alone. Many people admire famous actors, athletes, or the rich. I place you above all of them. You have a huge place in my heart. This letter is the hardest letter I have ever written. I have had to take numerous breaks in order to blow my nose and wipe my tears. I hope you live to be 150...and then 200. I love you so much... to the point where you will never know. You are amazing, funny, caring, loving , and the strongest person I have ever seen. I am honored to be your grandson, your blood, your family.....


I love you Holmone.